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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25155775">if invisible lines lead your way back to me</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolours/pseuds/technicolours'>technicolours</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band), WAYV</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - College/University, Flashbacks, Frat Boy Jaehyun, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Names, New York City, Non-Linear Narrative, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Recreational Drug Use, Slow Burn, Time Skips, four years of pining, kunten johnyong and dowoo cameos, mark lee: accidental heartbreaker, only by a couple of years, there's a reference to jackson wang's frat parties</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-11-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:07:00</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,315</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25155775</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/technicolours/pseuds/technicolours</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>yukhei measures his relationships in names: he's "lucas" to most of the world, "xuxi" to his closest friends, and "yukhei" to himself, his family, and, he hopes, to his future significant other. </p><p>but to mark, he's all three. </p><p>(or: mark unintentionally breaks yukhei's heart over and over again, and yukhei lets him, no matter how many years pass by.)</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Mark Lee/Wong Yuk Hei | Lucas, Wong Kun Hang | Hendery/Xiao De Jun | Xiao Jun</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>280</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>if invisible lines lead your way back to me</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuchi/gifts">yuchi</a>, <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/lumheis/gifts">lumheis</a>.</li>



    </ul><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>note: i originally wrote this as a sequel to one of my other works but then i realized i hated the previous work so now it's a standalone. for context: in the prequel, mark went on a post-graduation road trip to ~figure himself out~ with the rest of dream with the goal of confessing to donghyuck, which didn't work out because he wasn't actually in love but was just projecting his fear of the unknown onto him.</p><p>title from isohel by eden </p><p>(“But I miss the way the sun streamed through my window<br/>And I miss the way you almost held the tide<br/>But still it's nice, dreaming that you're somewhere<br/>Feeling the same heat that I did<br/>Another time (I know, I know, I know, I know)<br/>If invisible lines lead your way back to me Walk the line...”)</p><p>here's the <a href="https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3ZvlRsJW5LbTczwSeLPUNl?si=73joapYJTWey893sLDwWPg">playlist</a> if you wanna set the mood!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <em>october, 2022</em>
</p><p>Yukhei is twenty-three when he falls in love with the same person for the third time. </p><p>He’s sitting on the dirty sidewalk, fingers clenched tightly around his injured wrist as the blood on his knee stains the light blue of his jeans red. The city doesn’t cease its restless bustle for them, and the passerby don’t give them a second glance in typical New York fashion. </p><p>Their eyes meet, and suddenly he’s twenty, standing in the heart of a crowd, watching a boy swaying to the music beside him. Illuminated by the technicolor lights, he flashes Yukhei a hazy smile, and there’s a feeling of warmth deep in his chest he can’t exactly blame on the alcohol. </p><p>He blinks. It’s <em> him, </em>though a few years older and looking a lot more at ease than he did nine months ago. </p><p>“Mark,” he says, throat suddenly dry. He still loves him. (He’s not sure if he ever stopped.)</p><p>•••••</p><p>He measures his relationships in names. </p><p>On paper and to most of the world, he’s “Lucas.” “Xuxi” is used by his friends that speak Mandarin, though it’s mostly thrown around as a term of endearment. To his parents, he’s “Yukhei,” though he’s always secretly hoped that someday in the distant future when he’s sure he’s met The One, they’ll call him by this name. </p><p>Nobody’s ever come close to knowing him by the latter, let alone all three - and then he meets Mark. </p><p>•••••</p><p>
  <em> november, 2019 </em>
</p><p>There’s an unspoken rule when it comes to living with other people in college: never, under any circumstances, get romantically involved. </p><p>Yukhei never really was one to follow the rules. </p><p>Freshman year goes pretty smoothly: he and Mark turn out to be a great pair, albeit a little chaotic and the subject of a few reprimands by their floor’s RA for noise complaints. He accepts Mark’s offer to lease his stepbrother’s apartment the following year without hesitation because Mark’s a great roommate and friend, and also the apartment is in a great location and isn’t too shabby in terms of price. </p><p>Sophomore year is when the trouble begins. </p><p>“Johnny graduated, and he was like, 90 percent of my impulse control at his frat’s parties, so… please make sure I get home alive?” Mark runs his fingers through his hair, glancing back at Yukhei, who’s perched on Mark’s bed, through the mirror. </p><p>“Of course,” Yukhei responds. “I got your back.” </p><p>But Mark’s a total lightweight. So far Yukhei’s downed two full cups of jungle juice, but he’s nowhere near as fucked up as Mark is after a few shots. </p><p>“Lucas, let’s go dance!” Mark shouts in his ear, and then he’s dragging him by the hand into the makeshift dance floor before he can open his mouth. </p><p>Still, Drunk Mark’s always been fun. It’s nice to see him like this: uninhibited, waving his arms around without a care in the world: a sharp contrast from Weekday Mark, who Yukhei rarely sees at the apartment before midnight, coming home with tired eyes and slumped posture.</p><p>Their eyes meet, and there’s a weird feeling in his chest when Mark smiles at him. He decides not to think too hard and pushes his way through the crowd to get more drinks, downing two shots and chasing it with another cup of jungle juice until he feels a pleasant buzz in his body and his inhibitions loosening with every sip.</p><p>Mark materializes next to him, wrangling Yukhei’s jungle juice cup out of his fingers and guzzling the rest of it all down. </p><p>“Yo, Mark!” A familiar voice shouts, and then Jaehyun appears, clapping Mark on the shoulder with one hand while holding an entire handle of lemonade vodka in the other. He catches sight of Yukhei and makes a fist with the bottle still in his hand, which Yukhei bumps with his own. </p><p>“Sup, Lucas,” Jaehyun says. He offers Yukhei the bottle, which he accepts, drinking a few sips of the sweet liquor. Jaehyun takes it back and smirks at Mark. “Open up!”</p><p>Mark groans, but he squats down and lets Jaehyun pour a gratuitous amount of vodka into his mouth. Jaehyun’s grinning victoriously, clapping Mark on the back so hard Yukhei winces a little, and then he’s waving the near-empty bottle in the air in the trophy while whooping loudly. </p><p>Their little circle by the drink table attracts the attention of some bystanders, and Yukhei makes eye contact with a girl standing a few feet away. She gives him a lingering look before being pulled into the crowd by her friend, and he watches her disappear behind the shadowy bodies on the dance floor. </p><p>He tunes back in as Jaehyun’s saying “-VIP room” with an arm slung around Mark’s shoulder, and he stares blankly. Mark pipes up: “Jaehyun’s taking me to the VIP room to say hey to a couple of the bros, wanna come?”</p><p>Yukhei shakes his head, glancing over the figures standing around behind them to see if he could catch a glimpse of the crowd. “Nah, go ahead, I’m gonna hang out around here for a bit.” </p><p>“See you around, dude,” Jaehyun says. “Be safe!” he adds, and then he’s dragging Mark away. Yukhei watches them leave and then starts shifting closer to the main area, finding a less crowded corner to lean against the wall.</p><p>Bored, he takes out his Juul - a nasty habit and one he should probably kick, but he’s not addicted or anything and controls himself pretty well when it comes to laying off, so he supposes a couple hits at parties won’t kill him. </p><p>He inhales and exhales out a cloud of sweet-smelling smoke. A girl's voice from somewhere next to him asks, “oh shit, is that mango? Can I take a hit?”</p><p>It’s the girl from before. She looks vaguely familiar; he’s seen her at these parties before, usually with an intimidating gaggle of girls that seem to be close with the brothers (one of the sisters in the Asian sorority, probably). He passes it to her, watching as she presses the metal to her cherry red lips, parted to make way for the vapor. She’s absolutely stunning - tan skin, winged eyeliner above long fake lashes, and the outline of a tattoo peeking out from underneath her off-the-shoulder top. She would probably break his heart when given the chance, but then again, the people who attend these parties aren’t really looking for anything more than a fun night, him included.</p><p>“Lucas,” he says. She passes the Juul back to him, and their fingers brush. </p><p>“Hana.”</p><p>“Wanna dance?” Yukhei cocks his head towards the center of the room, and she flashes him a coy smile, taking by the hand and leading him deeper into the heart of the crowd. </p><p>Their bodies are pressed together as they sway to the beat. Her back’s against his chest, and his hands find their way down to her hips, leaving little space between them. He feels her hand run through his hair, pulling his head down closer, and he takes that as a sign to lean down and kiss her neck. Then she’s turning around, and their lips meet in the middle. </p><p>He mentally thanks his Juul, because, well, he’s been going through a bit of a dry spell lately, and right when he’s slipping his tongue between Hana’s lips, the music cuts out. They ignore it and keep on kissing furiously, but then he hears “LUCAS WONG, WHERE YOU AT?” being shouted from somewhere near the front of the room, and he groans and pulls away.</p><p>Yukhei whips his head around to glare in the direction of the DJ booth, where one of the brothers, <em> Bambam, </em>his tipsy brain helpfully supplies, is holding up one of those portable Bluetooth karaoke mics and giving him an apologetic look. </p><p>“Lucas, Mr. President,” Bambam gestures enthusiastically to Yukhei’s left, and he turns to see Jaehyun facepalming. </p><p>Bambam clears his throat, and then he’s screaming into the microphone, “OKAY, TIME TO FUCKING PARTY!” and blasting the music again, but Yukhei barely registers it when he catches sight of Mark, hanging off of Jaehyun’s shoulder and watching him with half-lidded eyes. </p><p>“Sorry,” he whispers to Hana, slipping past her and making a beeline towards Mark and Jaehyun.</p><p>“What happened?” He takes Mark’s other arm and slings it over his shoulder, and Mark’s head lolls towards him. </p><p>Jaehyun’s tapping at his phone, and then he turns the screen towards Yukhei. He squints at the brightness, but when his eyes adjust he sees that he’s called them an Uber. </p><p>“I had to step out for like five minutes and he took a couple hits, and now he’s crossed as fuck. He says he’s really dizzy, and I didn’t think it was a good idea to send him home alone, and since you guys live together…” Jaehyun trails off, staring at the spot Yukhei had been standing in a few minutes earlier with Hana. “I’m really sorry about that,” he says, grimacing. “Also, I’m going to kill Bambam. I told the guys to be subtle about it, but subtlety is <em> not </em>one of Bam’s qualities.”</p><p>“No, it’s okay,” Yukhei responds, glancing down at Mark, who’s still staring at him intently. His eyes are tinged with red and his face is flushed and warm to the touch when Yukhei presses his knuckles against his cheek. “I said I got your back. Even if it means ruining my chances of getting laid.”</p><p>Mark smirks, before dropping his head onto Yukhei’s chest. “Ugh, my head’s fucked,” he groans. “Jae, can you get me some water?”</p><p>Jaehyun nods and pushes into the crowd, and Mark mumbles against his shirt, “your heart’s beating so fast.”</p><p>“Bro, I was drinking like, twenty minutes ago.” Yukhei chuckles, but when he tilts his head down to glance at Mark, he ends up meeting his eyes instead. His face is half-buried in Yukhei’s chest, arm still around Yukhei’s shoulders, and Yukhei is suddenly so <em> aware </em>of him. He studies his sharp cheekbones, dark eyes peering up at him from underneath long lashes, illuminated by the color-changing fluorescent lights, and there’s that strange feeling again. The words he was going to say die in his throat, and he stands frozen, heart hammering in his chest as he stares at Mark. </p><p>“The Uber will be here in a few minutes,” Jaehyun’s voice calls out. “Here’s your water, by the way.” Yukhei lifts his head to see the older boy holding out a red cup to Mark, who takes it and gulps it down. A few droplets of water land on Yukhei’s shirt, but he’s too busy being concerned about Mark to care. </p><p>Jaehyun’s phone lights up. “Oh, it’s here. Come on, I’ll walk you guys out.” He helps Yukhei carry Mark, and then he’s tucking them into the Uber. “Get home safe,” he says, nodding at Yukhei and shutting the door. </p><p>The car takes off, and the loud noises of the party fade into silence. There’s a warm weight on Yukhei’s shoulder, and he peeks down to see Mark, eyes shut and resting against him. </p><p>He smiles, adjusting his position so Mark’s hopefully a little more comfortable, even if it isn’t for him. They arrive at their apartment in no time, and he gently shakes Mark awake. Mark hums, nuzzling his face into the crook of Yukhei’s neck, and there’s a weird fluttering sensation in his stomach that makes him freeze. <em> No, </em> he tells himself, <em> get it together. You’re drunk.  </em></p><p>“Cmon, Markie, we’re home,” he singsongs, taking Mark’s arm and tugging him out of the car. “Thank you so much,” he tells the driver, shutting the door and watching the car take off. </p><p>“Sleepy,” Mark mumbles, and he’s clinging onto Yukhei again. Mark’s always been a pretty touchy drunk, and Yukhei’s always known that; so why does he feel so affected by it now? </p><p>He shakes it off, reminding himself that he’s still fairly tipsy too, even though seeing Mark in this condition sobered him up a little. Then, he’s suddenly hit with a stroke of genius and he lights up. “Get on my back,” he orders, squatting down. Mark sluggishly complies, and he grabs his legs and lifts them both up. He makes it upstairs to their place only mildly out of breath. </p><p>Mark giggles softly in his ear, and the sensation of his lips so close to Yukhei’s skin makes him shiver slightly. He fumbles a little with the keys since his coordination’s still slightly impaired from all the drinks he’s had, but he manages to get them inside and into Mark’s room. He drops Mark onto the bed, dragging the trash can next to his pillow just in case.</p><p>Mark flops down, but grabs Yukhei’s hand as he’s about to leave. “These pants are so uncomfortable,” he grumbles. He lets go to unbutton his ripped black jeans, lifting his hips up to roll them down, before dropping back onto the bed with his pants hanging off of his thighs. “Help me?”</p><p>Yukhei gulps, and then he grabs the waistband of Mark’s jeans and tugs them off, tossing them onto the floor. “Thanks,” Mark flashes him a lopsided grin. </p><p>“Are you feeling okay?” Yukhei asks, taking a seat on the bed next to Mark’s waist and keeping his eyes trained firmly on his face. </p><p>Mark nods, and then he says, “hey, Lucas, come here.” </p><p>Yukhei leans closer, unsure. His eyes fall onto Mark’s lips and then back up to his eyes, and is he seeing things, or did Mark just do the same with him? </p><p>Mark’s watching him with an inscrutable expression, and then his arm’s coming up around Yukhei’s neck, gently pulling him in closer and closer until he can feel Mark’s warm breath against his face. </p><p>And then they’re kissing: Mark’s fingers tangle into Yukhei’s hair, his tongue slipping into his mouth, and <em> god, </em> Yukhei should stop this, cause they’re both drunk and it’s an absolutely terrible idea, but it’s so, so <em> good. </em>It shouldn’t feel this good, but it does. Yukhei’s heart feels like it’s going to burst out of his chest, and that funny feeling in his stomach is back, and he thinks he finally understands it now: why he was so willing to drop everything to make sure Mark was okay; why he gets that warm fuzzy feeling whenever he sees Mark somewhere on campus and he smiles so brightly at him. </p><p>But this isn’t how he wants this to happen. Mark tastes like alcohol, and his skin still burns to the touch. He probably won’t remember this in the morning. </p><p>Yukhei forces himself to pull away, and opens his eyes. Mark’s lips are red from the kiss, and he’s watching Yukhei intently. </p><p>“Why did you do that?” Yukhei sits up, and his voice is hoarse. </p><p>Mark shrugs. “Curiosity? I saw you with that girl and I guess I got curious.”</p><p>“Oh,” Yukhei mumbles. <em> Why does he feel so disappointed? </em>He looks down, and Mark’s eyes are starting to close. “Should we… talk about this?” </p><p>“Mmm,” Mark hums in lieu of a reply, and then his eyes are completely shut and his breathing evens out. Yukhei watches his chest rise and fall, and then gently tilts him onto his side, careful not to disturb him.</p><p>Yukhei stands up, shutting off the lights and closing the door behind him. He heads to his own room to grab his pajamas before padding quietly into the bathroom. Stripping off his dirty party clothes that reek of alcohol and weed, he stands unmoving under the cold shower stream to sober up and clear his thoughts. </p><p>Mark wakes hours past noon the next day, walking out of his room and clutching his head. “What the fuck happened last night?” He groans, flopping onto the barstool and dropping his head onto the kitchen island. </p><p>Yukhei pauses mid-sip of his smoothie, and then he’s speaking before he can shut himself up. “Oh, you got super crossed, but it was just usual frat party stuff.”</p><p>Mark lets out a muffled moan, and there’s a sharp pain in Yukhei’s chest, but he tells himself it’s better this way. They’re great as friends and roommates, and he doesn’t want to fuck up that delicate balance by saying the truth.</p><p>He can learn to ignore the strange emotions he feels when Mark’s around, or the jolts of electricity when they brush hands. Because at the very least, he knows what it’s like to have Mark’s lips against his own, and that’ll just have to be enough. </p><p>•••••</p><p>
  <em> october, 2022 </em>
</p><p>It goes like this: Yukhei, tuned in to a group FaceTime call between him, Ten and Kun in one screen, Sicheng, Hendery, Xiaojun, and Yangyang, a rare occasion to have everyone in the same call, which is why he’s rushing to get home. </p><p>For the most part, he’s pretty good with not staring at the screen while walking, but there isn’t anyone too close to him and he gets distracted when Ten holds up Leon, his new cat, to the screen, and he’s cooing over how cute he is while his feet keep moving. </p><p>And then he feels his shin collide with something taut and thin, and before he can do anything, he’s flying into the air and then crashing down onto the concrete, face-first. His arm breaks his fall, but there’s a sickening <em> crunch </em> that leads to a searing pain in his right wrist, and he cries out. In his ears, he can hear his friends’ various noises of concern, and the sidewalks in New York City are dirty and disgusting <em> , </em>but he’s too busy clutching his wrist to his chest and groaning to even notice. </p><p>He rolls onto his side, and then into a seated position. Belatedly, he notices the huge scrape on his knee that’s created a fashionable hole in his favorite jeans, which he can live with, but it’s also staining them with scarlet, which he isn’t too pleased about. </p><p>Something cold and wet pokes at his left arm, and he flinches before realizing it’s the nose of a tiny shiba inu puppy. “Hey there,” he says, reaching with his good hand to let it sniff him, grinning when the puppy licks his fingers. </p><p>“Guys, I think my wrist is broken. But look,” he says, taking his phone from his unmoving hand and spinning the camera around to show his friends the shiba. They all start shouting in unison, overlapping jabs about how he scared the shit out of them. “Only Xuxi would break a bone and ignore it to show us a dog,” Kun sighs. </p><p>Yukhei laughs, and then shifts his attention back to the dog. “Huh? But where’s your owner?” He glances at the puppy, who’s happily letting Yukhei pat its head, and his eyes trail along the leash, and it stops at… </p><p>“Mark.” He falters. </p><p>He can hear multiple screams of “MARK? MARK LEE?” in his ears. Wordlessly, he hangs up, pulling his AirPods out with the hand he can still move and stuffing them into his pockets. </p><p>“Lucas,” Mark’s eyes are wide, staring down at his face and then down to the way his fingers are curled around his injured wrist. He squats down, extending out a hand hesitantly. “Are you… are you okay?”</p><p>“I think my wrist is broken, but, yeah.” His heart’s hammering in his chest, but he flashes Mark a pained smile. “Been a while, Mark.” He takes Mark’s outstretched hand with his good arm and lets Mark pull him up. </p><p>“Let’s get you to a hospital,” Mark suggests. He gently takes Yukhei’s wrist between his fingers, except Yukhei, startled by his touch, flinches back. Mark freezes, surprised, and holds out his palm. “Sorry. Can I take a look?” </p><p>Sheepishly, Yukhei nods, and allows Mark’s soft fingers to make contact with his wrist. His mind races back to New Year’s Eve, and he feels the ghost of Mark’s hands against his chest, unbuttoning his already loose shirt and spreading his fingers wide against his bare skin. </p><p>He shakes off the lingering flashbacks. Mark’s still holding his wrist gingerly, and he’s staring at Yukhei like he said something and is waiting for an answer. “Huh?” </p><p>“I was wondering if you want me to call an ambulance? Or, we could Uber to the hospital, cause I don’t know about you but I’m a little too broke to be paying those kinds of bills right now,” he catches himself when he seemingly realizes he’s rambling. Yukhei’s heart clenches at the way he scrunches his nose. <em> Cute.  </em></p><p>“No, Uber’s fine,” Yukhei responds. </p><p>Mark nods, letting go of Yukhei’s arm. “Um. I’ll come with, it’s the least I can do for breaking your wrist.” He gestures to a building a few feet away. “That’s my place, I just need to drop off Sushi.” </p><p>At the name, the puppy barks, and Yukhei glances down with a grin. “Sushi?” </p><p>Running a hand through his hair, Mark flushes. “Yeah, I kinda just said it as a joke, but it stuck.” </p><p>Yukhei’s mind races back to that night, and he hears Mark’s slightly breathless giggle echoing throughout his mind. <em> “Xuxi. Xuxi, Xuxi. Did I say it right?” </em>Yukhei in the memory had smiled, and then he had cupped Mark’s cheeks between his hands and kissed him. </p><p>He breaks out of his trance when Sushi jumps against his leg, and he squats down to stroke the soft fur on her head. “Hi Sushi, I’m Xuxi.” The words tumble out: he grins up at Mark and says, “Is there a resemblance?” </p><p>Mark hesitates, fingers still hovering in midair adjacent to his phone, and there’s red tinging his ears when he looks at Yukhei. “Yeah, you’re both adorable.” </p><p>Yukhei drops his head, focusing his full attention on Sushi as he plays with her absently, hoping that the shadows hide the fact that he’s blushing and smiling like a fool.</p><p>“Come on, let’s go drop off Sushi.” All business, Mark pulls Yukhei up and slings his arm against his shoulder, bracing a hand against Yukhei’s waist before he can even react. He carries most of Yukhei’s weight to the entrance of an apartment building, and releases him at the stairs. </p><p>“You okay waiting here for a few?” Mark asks, and Yukhei nods numbly, leaning against the railing. Mark flashes him a thumbs up, and then he’s disappearing into the doors. </p><p>Yukhei exhales, flopping heavily against the siding with a loud groan. He fishes around his hoodie pocket with his good hand until he finds his phone, and stares blankly at the screen until it unlocks with facial recognition. The group chat’s blowing up with worried messages from his friends, and he taps away with one hand, leaving a string of typos. Still, he gets the point across, thanks to spell check: <em> “so i just ran into mark... now he’s taking me to the hospital lol.” </em></p><p>His phone buzzes with an influx of new messages, but he pockets the device when he hears the door opening. Mark steps out, offering his shoulder, and Yukhei accepts, leaning against him. Mark leads him into a car idling by the curb, and they’re off to the hospital. </p><p>As the cityscape fades to a blur outside, Mark says, “I missed you.”</p><p>Yukhei turns his head in surprise. “I missed you too.”</p><p>“When I moved here, I kept debating, whether or not I should call you, but I wasn’t sure if it would be <em> okay </em> to.” Mark taps his fingers against his knee, and Yukhei’s eyes trail the gesture.</p><p>“I kinda wish you did,” Yukhei admits. “If I knew all of that, New Year’s Eve... If I knew how we’d turn out because of it, I’d go back and change it all.” He stares into Mark’s eyes and says, “If it meant losing you as a friend, none of it was worth it.” </p><p>Mark inhales. “I know it’s a little late, but do you think we could start over?” </p><p>The rational part of Yukhei’s screaming, <em> no, he’s only going to break your heart again! </em>But the other, stupid, part of Yukhei, the one that hopelessly loves Mark Lee no matter how many times he shatters his heart in two, wants to say yes. </p><p>Lucas Yukhei Wong is a fool that never learns his lesson. He smiles, and lets Mark Lee walk into his life and into his heart, a million times, again and again. </p><p>••••</p><p>
  <em> new year’s eve, 2021 </em>
</p><p>Johnny and Taeyong’s wedding ceremony is absolutely beautiful. It goes smoothly with many tears shed (Yukhei had, admittedly, wiped away a few of his own). </p><p>It’s also the first time he’s seeing Mark since they had both moved out of their college apartment in August. It feels weird to meet like this, as semi-functional adults, but then they’re breaking out into wide smiles and hugging like no time has passed. </p><p>Mark catches sight of Yukhei’s car and immediately ditches his family to hitch a ride in the sleek black Porsche convertible. They drive down the highway in golden hour, basking in the sunlight as Yukhei blasts a Gryffin song on the stereo. As the wind ruffles Mark’s hair, he turns his head to flash him a toothy grin, and Yukhei’s glad his designer shades are dark enough to obscure the fondness in his eyes. </p><p>They’re stopped at a light, and Yukhei tosses his vape to Mark, per his request. He pulls it to his pink lips and takes a drag, exhaling a cloud of smoke as he tilts his head back. Yukhei presses on the gas, and they leave the vapor to dissipate into the warm breeze. </p><p>They catch each other up on their lives. Mark tells him about his law school prep and his frequent travels between Chicago to Los Angeles, and on where his friends, who are graduating this year, are headed. Yukhei shares a few anecdotes about life in New York and how he’s been putting his marketing degree to good use at the cool startup he’s working at. </p><p>Mark listens intently, and he says, “seems like you have it all figured out.” </p><p>Yukhei, hand on the wheel, lulls the car to a stop at another red light. There’s one thing he’s never actually resolved, and it involves the boy sitting in the passenger side. He really thought he could get over it once he graduated and moved to New York, but truth be told, his heart still skips a beat whenever his phone lights up with a text from him. </p><p>He thinks of all the times he could have said it: the talk they had a month before graduation, in which he’d tried to direct the conversation that way but ended up accidentally setting off Mark’s realization that he liked Donghyuck. Then there was the time Mark came back from his road trip and they were sitting in the back of Mark’s Jeep when Mark had said that he considered Yukhei his home. And then Yukhei’s last night in the apartment, when they’d thrown a going away party but ended up just sitting on the balcony together to smoke, where Mark had mused, “I could kiss you right now,” and Yukhei just laughed it off and told him he was high. He could have said it when they last saw each other, when Yukhei had held onto him a little too tightly when Mark had dropped him off at the terminal, but the words refused to come out. </p><p>Even now, he could say it: it’s a postcard-perfect moment, with the palm trees in the distance gently swaying under the golden aura of the setting sun, casting a warm glow upon their skin. But like all the other times, he can’t. No point in saying it now, when they’ll be going their separate ways come tomorrow. </p><p>So he just shrugs, and responds, “huh, I guess I kinda do.” </p><p>They drive in relative quiet, jamming along to the upbeat tunes blasting from the car, and soon enough, they arrive at the luxurious hotel where the party’s taking place.</p><p>Yukhei whistles at the sight. “I still can’t believe Ten’s family <em> owns </em>this building.” </p><p>Mark snorts. “Ten’s, like, the closest thing we have to a real-life <em> Crazy Rich Asians.” </em>He taps at the exterior of the car lightly, turning to Yukhei with a teasing smirk. “I mean, other than you.” </p><p>“Well… we’re not on Ten’s level. I <em> do </em>have a Ducati, but it’s at my parents’ place.” </p><p>“What?!” Mark’s eyes widen. “Okay, next time we’re both in California, you’re taking me for a spin.”<br/>
<br/>
Yukhei pictures him and Mark on the cherry red motorcycle, Mark’s arms wrapped tightly around his waist as they speed past the scenic boulevards overlooking the Bay, and he grins. “Deal.” </p><p>“You should go in,” Yukhei urges. He has to drop the car off at the valet anyway, and Mark, as family of the groom, probably has important wedding reception duties to fulfill. </p><p>Mark opens the car door, but hesitates. “Come find me later?”</p><p>“Of course,” Yukhei nods, watching Mark hop out of the car and head for the hotel entrance.</p><p>The next few hours bring him back to undergrad - if undergrad parties took place in a five-star hotel with an open bar with top-shelf liquor, and if everyone dressed in their finest attire. Still, he’s surrounded by familiar faces, though most of them were his upperclassmen. </p><p>He spends most of the night flitting between groups: he downs some champagne with Ten and Kun, chats with some of Mark’s underclassmen friends (he can’t resist ruffling Chenle’s hair, much to the college junior’s dismay), and then gets busy tearing up the dance floor with Xiaojun and Hendery. </p><p>“Woah, that’s <em> Jackson Wang,” </em>Yukhei gestures with his chin towards the front of the room, where Johnny’s pouring the contents of a Hennessy bottle into Jaehyun’s mouth as a bunch of men Yukhei vaguely recognizes as his fraternity brothers egg them on. </p><p>“Who?” Xiaojun frowns. </p><p>“Wait, that dude that threw the ragers freshman year? Isn’t he, like, famous now?” Hendery follows his line of sight, gaping. He elbows Xiaojun. “He was on an 88rising album! I can’t believe you don’t know.” </p><p>“A disgrace to Asian-American culture,” Yukhei muses, shaking his head. </p><p>“You both suck.” Xiaojun rolls his eyes, though there’s affection in his demeanor. “God, I missed you guys.” </p><p>“Missed you too,” Hendery responds, voice quiet. Yukhei suddenly feels like he’s intruding. There’s some history between them: they got together at the start of their senior year, but broke up because they planned to go their separate ways once they graduated. They ended up in different sides of the country: Hendery in Boston, Xiaojun in Seattle.</p><p>With Yukhei in New York, Kun and Ten settling in Los Angeles two years prior, and Yangyang, the youngest of their group, graduating in the spring and planning to spend a year in Germany, of all places, they’ve been heavily reliant on video calls and text messages to keep their friendship afloat. Still, nobody can deny the unspoken tension that’s palpable through the screen when it’s just one person active with Hendery and Xiaojun. </p><p>He spots Jungwoo in the crowd, and, grateful for the distraction, extracts himself from the awkward conversation to go say hi. </p><p>“Ah, my almost-lover sophomore year,” Jungwoo teases, pulling him into a warm embrace. </p><p>“You gotta stop calling me that,” Yukhei grumbles into his shoulder, but he’s laughing when they break apart. “What if Doyoung hears?” </p><p>“Doyoung can’t talk, he’s been involved with the groom.” Jungwoo smirks.</p><p>“Which one?” </p><p>He lowers his voice conspiratorially. “Both.” </p><p>“No fucking way.” Yukhei guffaws. </p><p>“Yeah. It’s all ancient history now,” Jungwoo waves a hand dismissively, “But it’s fun to gossip about.” He smiles when he catches sight of his boyfriend, heading over from the bar with a champagne flute in his hand. </p><p>Doyoung strides over, handing Jungwoo the glass. “Hey, Lucas, long time no see. What are you guys talking about?” </p><p>Jungwoo winks. “Nothing important.” </p><p>“Really?” Doyoung loops his arms around Jungwoo from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. Jungwoo leans into his touch, and Yukhei notes how natural the gesture is. </p><p>“Okay, fine, I told Yukhei that you may or may not have some… <em> history </em>with Johnny. And Taeyong. Or was it both at the same time?” </p><p>“Oh my God,” Doyoung buries his face into Jungwoo’s shoulder as the younger laughs. </p><p>“It’s all in the past,” Jungwoo says breezily. “Besides, Lucas and I were just talking about his crush on me when he was a freshman. God, that seems so long ago, huh?” </p><p>“Huh, yeah,” Yukhei responds. He’d been briefly infatuated with Jungwoo freshman year, and then it was Mark, starting from that night sophomore year. Suddenly, he feels like he might hurl, though if it’s as a result of all the alcohol he’s consumed, or if it’s because he’s starting to realize how single and lonely he is, he’s not sure. “Um, sorry, I’m gonna run to the bathroom.”</p><p>“Are you okay?” Doyoung inquires. “If you’re not feeling well, I can help.”</p><p>“Yeah, he didn’t go into all that med school debt for nothing,” Jungwoo chirps, though his eyes betray his concern. </p><p>“I’m fine,” he responds, attempting to flash a reassuring smile. “I think I just need to splash some cold water on my face or something.” </p><p>Jungwoo looks like he’s fighting back a frown, but he nods. “Text us if you need anything. Oh, and get back soon, it’s almost midnight!” </p><p>Yukhei bids them goodbye and extracts himself from the crowd, hearing the sounds of the party becoming more and more muffled as he makes a beeline for the bathroom. He stands in front of the mirror, turning on the tap and letting the water run onto his fingers, and then lets the cold droplets fall onto his face. </p><p>Things have changed so much; the conversation with Jungwoo reminded him that he isn’t that blindly optimistic eighteen-year-old that trailed the cool upperclassman like a lost puppy anymore. He’d like to think he’s grown a good amount, and he’s pretty settled in his new professional life in Manhattan. </p><p>Still, he comes to the staggering realization that everyone around him has someone they love. There’s Johnny and Taeyong, the protagonists of this night; Kun and Ten, who <em> own </em>the very hotel they’re partying in; Jungwoo and Doyoung, who found each other early on and found a way to last; hell, even Xiaojun and Hendery, who most likely would have been together today if it weren’t for life coming between them. </p><p>And then there’s him: almost twenty-three years old, and still hung up on a guy he’s been pining after for the past two years. “You need to move on,,” he murmurs to his reflection in the mirror. </p><p>Maybe if he sees Mark again tonight he’ll tell him, all the feelings he’s kept hidden for years; all the times Mark broke his heart because Yukhei was too afraid to tell him how he felt. He wonders how Mark would react if he told him. Would he be surprised? Or would he laugh, thinking it’s a joke? </p><p>He runs the cold water onto his face one more time, hoping that maybe it’ll clear away his murky thoughts. (It doesn’t.) A buzzing in his pocket startles him, and it’s a text from Jungwoo, asking if everything’s okay. He types back that he’s good, and checks the time: 11:44, around fifteen minutes until midnight. </p><p>If he’s being honest, he’s not looking forward to when the clock strikes 12. Everyone around him will pull their loved ones into a kiss, and Yukhei would probably just look on with a fake smile, trying to ignore the searing loneliness in his chest. </p><p>Still, he supposes he should at least be there, so he could hug his friends he hasn’t seen in a while and probably won’t see for some time after tonight. So he wipes off the water from his cheeks and heads back to where the party’s in full swing. </p><p>The ballroom’s alight with loud music and dancing, with the majority crowd starting to gather in the front where the DJ’s churning out upbeat tunes. He spots Hendery’s head of long dark hair towards the back of the crowd, and a quick glance around reveals Xiaojun, Ten, and Kun in his vicinity. </p><p>As he’s about to head over to his friends, a figure at the balcony catches his attention. There’s a cloud of smoke floating above their head, and he recognizes the outfit: <em> Mark. </em></p><p>He freezes in his tracks, at war with himself: he told himself to move on, but… It’s Mark. Involuntarily, his feet take him outside, and Mark turns his head, smoke escaping from his lips that curve into a smile when he spots him. “Hey.” </p><p>“What are you doing, hiding out here?” He steps closer so he’s standing beside Mark at the balcony railing. The sky’s completely dark now, and the city lights twinkle in the distance. </p><p>Mark waves his vape, and Yukhei takes it from his fingers to take a hit. He hands it back after a few drags, and Mark slips it into the back pocket of his trousers. “If I’m being honest? I feel a little... out of place.”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Yukhei tilts his head. Mark meets his gaze, and he shrugs. </p><p>“Everyone’s so accomplished,” Mark muses. “I’m still figuring it out as I go, but everyone else seems like they have it all together. You included.” He continues, “I guess I didn’t realize how lonely it would be, you know, being left behind.” </p><p>“You’re not being left behind,” Yukhei responds, surprised at the sharpness in his own voice. “You’re gonna do amazing things too, just at your own pace. And besides, I don’t have it all together either,” he lets out a short, derisive laugh. “I’m out here because I don’t want to face the fact that most of my friends are in love, and I’m all alone because I spent too much time hung up on somebody while being too afraid to say anything.” </p><p>The last part slips out before he can bite his tongue, but it’s too late: Mark’s looking at him with a mix of shock and curiosity. His eyes are wide, and his mouth opens as if he wants to say something. He’s cut off by the DJ booming, “ONE MINUTE UNTIL MIDNIGHT!” and both their heads turn to the door. </p><p>Yukhei’s suddenly aware of their proximity: they’re standing with their arms brushing as they lean against the railing. He can hear the crowd counting down: <em> 10, 9, 8… </em> and Mark’s looking at him and he’s looking at Mark, and he says, “Mark-”<br/>
<br/>
And then there’s a cheer, and from somewhere behind them, the fireworks go off, illuminating Mark’s face in brilliant hues of reds and blues. Then Mark’s kissing him, his arms around Yukhei’s neck.</p><p>His body reacts before he can even think about what’s happening - his hands come to rest at Mark’s waist, moving them back until Mark’s back is pressed against the wall between the door and the balcony. Mark’s hips arch up, pressed flush against his torso as he licks into Yukhei’s mouth, and <em> God, </em>it’s wrong, but he doesn’t want it to stop. </p><p>They break apart for air. Yukhei braces his hands against the wall, Mark looking up at him from between his arms with his lips red, and he blurts out, “Xuxi.”</p><p>Yukhei freezes at the name, and then he leans down to capture their lips together. “Say it again,” he whispers when they pull apart. </p><p>“Xuxi,” Mark says breathlessly. He lets out a soft giggle. “Xuxi, Xuxi, Xuxi. Did I say it right?” </p><p>In lieu of a response, Yukhei cups his hands around Mark’s face and kisses him again, harder this time, smiling against his lips. The fireworks are still booming in front of them, but he barely hears them, too busy hyper-fixating on the noises Mark lets out when he kisses at his neck, when he slides his hand underneath his shirt and runs his fingers against the lean muscles on his stomach, down his back and against his hips. </p><p>“Lucas,” Mark whispers. Something cold and flat makes contact with his hand, and he glances down, fingers curling around a key card. He leans in against Yukhei’s ear, warm breath sending tingles down his skin, and murmurs the suite number. “I still need to catch up with some friends, and you should too. Meet me in… Fifteen minutes.” </p><p>He swallows, nodding. Mark smooths down his clothes, runs his hand through his hair, and gives him one last lingering look before he goes inside. </p><p>Yukhei follows his example, slipping through the door and heading towards his friends. Yangyang’s joined Hendery and Xiaojun, while Ten and Kun are nowhere to be found. “What happened to you?” Yangyang shouts over the music, taking in Yukhei’s ruffled appearance. </p><p>“Don’t ask questions you don’t want to know the answer to,” Xiaojun cuts in. </p><p>“Hey, what’s in your hand? Is that a key card?!” Hendery’s eyes widen, and Yukhei belatedly shoves the card unceremoniously into his pocket. </p><p>“It’s nothing,” Yukhei tries to be dismissive, but his friends begin to mercilessly tease him.</p><p>“He’s <em> finally </em>getting laid,” Yangyang pretends to wipe away a tear. “They grow up so quickly.” </p><p>“Who is it?” Hendery prods, though Yukhei’s attention strays over Xiaojun’s shoulder to where Mark’s chatting with Renjun and Jeno. He averts his gaze quickly, but it doesn’t escape Xiaojun’s sharp eyes.</p><p>“No fucking way.” Xiaojun’s jaw drops. </p><p>Hendery and Yangyang catch on, peering over Xiaojun without bothering to be even the tiniest bit subtle. “No,” Hendery gasps. </p><p>“You know, I think I should go find Ten and Kun, so I’m gonna leave now,” Yukhei steps away.</p><p>“Kun and Ten are probably doing something unholy, don’t look for them!” Xiaojun shouts after him, and Yangyang yells, “Wait, Xuxi, come back!” </p><p>He flashes them a wide grin, and then turns away to head for the bar. He sidles up next to Mark, ordering a round of shots for them, and murmurs in his ear, “are fifteen minutes up yet?” </p><p>“Not even close.” Mark smirks up at him, and four small glasses, filled with clear liquor, materialize in front of them. </p><p>Yukhei picks up a shot, as does Mark. “Cheers.”</p><p>“Happy New Year, Xuxi,” Mark says. Yukhei, still caught off guard by the name, downs the drink as Mark’s reaching for another. The vodka burns in his throat, but he shakes off the sensation and drinks another, and another. </p><p>Once they’ve polished off a pair of shots each, Mark asks in a low voice, “I know I said fifteen, but… Do you wanna get out of here a little earlier?” </p><p>Yukhei grins at him. “Thought you’d never ask.” </p><p>They give up on being discreet - they exit the reception area together, and as soon as the elevator doors close behind them, they’re attached at the lips again. </p><p>“Shit, why didn’t we do this sooner?” Mark laughs, breathless, as Yukhei presses his lips the underside of his jaw. </p><p>He feels drunk: partially off of the shots, but mainly because of Mark’s presence. Mark, pressed up against him, kissing him like his life depends on it. </p><p>They break apart when the elevator dings, coming to a stop at Mark’s floor, and then Mark takes his hand and leads him to his suite. Their kisses get sloppier, and Mark fumbles with the keycard as Yukhei keeps his body flush with his. Mark’s back is half turned as he unlocks the door, and then he’s turning back around, wrapping his arms around Yukhei’s neck as they push the door open with their combined weight. </p><p>The door locks behind them, and they shuck off their shoes at the entrance. They’re not apart for long - their mouths and hands find each other as more layers of clothing come off. Mark gets to work quickly on Yukhei’s button-down, pressing his lips to his skin as he undoes each button, and then Yukhei’s throwing it behind him, not caring where it falls. </p><p>They move together, and the back of Yukhei’s leg hits a surface. He falls backwards as Mark pushes him down onto the plush bed, bringing his thighs up to straddle Yukhei’s hips. He gets off to rummage through the bedside table, returning with a condom and lube and tossing them onto the bed and clambering back onto Yukhei. </p><p>Yukhei stares. The rational part of his brain is telling him that this isn’t right, this won’t change anything, but the other part of him that’s drunk and hard and burning under Mark’s touch doesn’t care, because he wants him so bad, and kissing him, touching him and being touched by him feels <em>so</em> <em>good</em>. </p><p>So he strips off the rest of his layers, helping Mark out of his clothes and switching their positions so he’s pinning him against the sheets. He stops for a second to murmur, “are we really doing this?” </p><p>Mark’s eyes are half-lidded, lips red and swollen, and he looks absolutely beautiful in the low light. “I want this. Do you?” </p><p>“Yeah.” Yukhei responds, and he closes the gap, kissing Mark until they’re both breathless. </p><p>He loses track of time, mapping every inch of Mark’s body and moving against him until he can’t think of anything else other than the sounds of pleasure that come out of Mark’s lips, until he can’t even remember what he was worrying about in the first place. </p><p>When he wakes up the next morning, their limbs are tangled together, and Mark’s face is pressed to his chest. He takes a moment to stare at his sleeping figure, and a hand involuntarily comes up to brush his thumb against Mark’s cheek. </p><p>Careful not to wake him, he extricates himself from Mark’s grasp and tiptoes around the room, picking up his clothes from the floor and getting dressed. He’s tempted to strip back down to his underwear and crawl back into the covers, pull Mark back into his embrace and hold him until he wakes up, but then he’s reminded of the reason why they ended up in this mess in the first place. <em> Loneliness, fueled by alcohol.  </em></p><p>Silently, he slips out of the room and makes his way back to his own, a few floors below. There’s nothing keeping him here, and he doesn't want to risk running into Mark again. He takes a quick shower and then grabs his few belongings, heading down to the lobby to return the key card (both his <em> and </em> Mark’s, he realizes), and then he’s walking out into the daylight. The valet returns his car, but he sits with the engine on as he struggles to write out a message to Mark. </p><p><em> “i’m sorry,” </em> he types. His fingers hover over the keys, and he writes, <em> “i love you. i’ve been in love with you for literal years and i didn’t know how to tell you, so here i am, telling you.” </em> Backspace. <em> “i shouldn’t have done that.” </em>Deleted, again. He’s in the middle of coming up with something else to say when a horn honks from behind him, and he remembers he’s blocking valet traffic. </p><p>Waving a hand apologetically, he hits send on what he has: <em> “i’m sorry.” </em>And then he drives off, leaving the past to wake up alone.</p><p>(Later, at a gas station, he checks his messages to find a response from Mark: <em> “can we forget this happened?” </em>He spends around a full minute typing and backspacing on what he wants to say. In the end, he deletes the entire chat with Mark, and they finally burn that bridge.) </p><p>•••••</p><p>
  <em> December, 2022 </em>
</p><p>Slowly but surely, Yukhei’s wrist heals. </p><p>And as his broken bones mend and the seasons start to change around him, Mark becomes a constant fixture in his life again. </p><p>Whenever he’s not working or hanging out with his favorite coworker slash closest friend he has in this city, Yuqi, he’s with Mark: grabbing coffee for him when he has his office hours, dogsitting Sushi when he gets caught up in class, or lounging around in Mark’s apartment with a box of pizza from Joe’s sitting between them like they are now, just like old times. </p><p>Still, it’s clear that things aren’t the same as they had been in the past. It’s in Mark’s demeanor: he seems to be a little more relaxed, now that things in his life are starting to settle. </p><p>Yet for some reason, it feels like they’re still stuck in the past. If he closes his eyes, he can pretend like they’re back in their shared apartment, a Smash Ultimate game paused on the TV as the pizza gets cold beside them and Yukhei pretends like he doesn’t have feelings for Mark. (Some things haven’t changed one bit.)</p><p>There’s only a few weeks until Christmas, meaning that both of them will be out of town: Yukhei’s headed back home to California, and Mark’s heading to Chicago, where he’s spending the holidays with his family, which now officially includes Taeyong. (Speaking of the newlyweds, Mark tells him that they’ll be spending their first anniversary in the Maldives, lucky them.)</p><p>The thought of the wedding makes Yukhei’s mind immediately race back to what happened after midnight, and he debates bringing it up but shuts down the idea. They’re at a pretty good place right now, and there’s no use rehashing the past, <em> right?  </em></p><p>He voices the idea to Hendery as he emerges from the subway and walks back to his own apartment. If Hendery wasn’t a faceless voice in his AirPods, he would probably be frowning right now. </p><p>
  <em> “Dude, you can’t just not talk about it.”  </em>
</p><p>Yukhei sighs. “I mean, we’ll talk about it eventually. But we’re doing really good right now, and I don’t know, do I really want to risk losing him again?” </p><p><em> “Xuxi.” </em>There’s an edge to Hendery’s voice, and Yukhei falters momentarily, before continuing to walk. He’s only a few minutes away from his house, and he’ll probably switch to FaceTime once he gets there. Still, he’s not really looking forward to seeing his friend’s disapproving face. </p><p><em>“You’ve literally been given a second chance. Hell, if Dejun and I were in the same city, I’d be running over to his place in the pouring rain and screaming that I still love him outside his window.” </em> Hendery lets out a sharp laugh, and Yukhei imagines he’s shaking his head. <em> “Look. I know the situation’s different and all, but…. You clearly have feelings for him. I don’t know if you actually got over him and ended up falling for him again, or if a part of you was always in love with him, and, I dunno if this makes any sense, but fate was actually kind to you guys.” </em> Yukhei’s quiet, so Hendery continues. <em> “Even if nothing comes from it, what’s the harm in telling him?” </em></p><p>He snorts. “We ruin our friendship. Again.” </p><p><em> “No.” </em> Hendery says flatly. <em> “You ruined your friendship because you had sex with him and then ghosted him for almost a year.” </em></p><p>He lets out a small huff. “I…” </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t try to tell me I’m wrong.”  </em>
</p><p>“You’re right, you’re right.” Yukhei grumbles. “So, what?”</p><p><em> “You guys already had sex, and you somehow managed to rekindle that friendship,” </em>Hendery argues. </p><p>“Yeah, only because we don’t talk about it.” </p><p><em> “And I’m saying, you </em> should <em> talk about it.”  </em></p><p>Yukhei exhales, grabbing his keys as he approaches his apartment. “I’ll think about it.” </p><p>
  <em> “Promise?”  </em>
</p><p>“Yes, dad. You really do sound like Kun right now.” </p><p>Hendery laughs. <em> “What can I say? I’m older and wiser.”  </em></p><p>“No, wait, I want the Hendery that got so drunk on a frat house roof he had to have the fire department called on him back.” </p><p><em> “Oh, that guy’s still here. He just has a little more… perspective now?” </em> He can practically hear the grin in Hendery’s voice, though there’s a hint of something sadder. <em> “You know, getting dumped by the love of your life a week before graduating and moving to opposite sides of the country will do that to you.”  </em></p><p>Yukhei sucks in a sharp breath. “You doing okay, dude?” </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, I’m… trying to get over it.”  </em>
</p><p>“Well,” Yukhei tries to lighten the mood as he exits the elevator and heads towards his door. He turns the key into the lock and pushes the door, heading inside. “If you’re feeling extra lonely, you could always take the bus up to Manhattan and visit me?” </p><p>He flicks on the lights as Hendery laughs. <em> “Or, you could come down to Boston.”  </em></p><p>Yukhei wrinkles his nose, even though Hendery can’t see. “Gross, visiting a city that isn’t New York or LA?” Then, he adds, “I’d only go to visit Renjun. Not you.” </p><p><em> “Hey!” </em> Hendery’s probably pouting. <em> “You know Renjun’s too busy lawyering at Harvard or whatever the fuck geniuses do to see you.”  </em></p><p>“Alright, alright. But seriously, come visit soon. New York’s awesome.” He puts Hendery on speaker and flops onto his couch. His eyes fall onto his open window, staring into a panorama of multicolored lights glimmering through the glass. </p><p><em> “I bet. Plus, you got that </em> gorgeous <em> apartment, I’m so jealous. The rest of us are living in shoeboxes, you know.” </em>The apartment in question is a newly renovated spot in the East Village, which his parents had covered the expenses for as a graduation gift, with the stipulation that he’d start paying the rent once his paycheck could cover it. </p><p>Yukhei just laughs softly. “Yeah, it’s nice.” </p><p>He loves his apartment, and he’s eternally grateful to his parents for setting it up for him. They’ve always been pretty well-off, but moving to New York instead of settling in LA or San Francisco and taking over the rent payments was his way of slowly becoming more independent. Still, he can’t deny that it gets lonely: the minimal, open style of the decor sometimes makes him see just how empty this place is when it’s just him. </p><p>The apartment he shared with Mark back in their college town was nowhere near as nice as the one he lives in now, but it was <em> cozier </em>. The mismatched furniture that they inherited from Johnny and Jaehyun, their random decorations hanging off the walls and the shelves only served to give their place more personality. </p><p>“Dery,” He says, breaking the silence. “Do you miss college?” </p><p>Hendery lets out a low exhale. <em> “Yeah, I do.”  </em></p><p>“Like, I know we have our whole lives ahead of us, and college was just a stepping stone, but I wanna go back, sometimes. Things seemed so uncomplicated.” Yukhei shakes his head. “I don’t know what I’m saying. I guess I just miss you guys.” </p><p><em> “I miss you too,” </em> Hendery responds. <em> “But we can’t go back, you know? That’s the whole point of life, you move forward.” </em> He pauses, and then takes the opportunity. <em> “So, move forward. Talk to Mark.”  </em></p><p>“Huh.” Yukhei sighs. “Maybe.” </p><p>
  <em> “Don’t say maybe, say yes.”  </em>
</p><p>“Fine, I’ll talk to him.” He adds, “you better come visit, though.” </p><p>
  <em> “Yeah, yeah.”  </em>
</p><p>“Promise?” </p><p>
  <em> “I feel like I’m being threatened right now, but fine. I promise.”  </em>
</p><p>“Good,” Yukhei responds, smiling.</p><p>
  <em> “Hey, I gotta go, but I’ll call you later, Xuxi.” </em>
</p><p>“Alright. See you in New York soon?” </p><p>
  <em> “Possibly. Okay, bye!”  </em>
</p><p>“Bye.” He’s grinning as he hangs up the call, taking out his AirPods. He drops his phone onto his stomach and examines his mostly healed wrist, thinking of the first time he saw Mark again, nine months after the wedding. </p><p>Hendery’s right - if he wants to move forward, he needs to let go of his past. He picks up the phone, fingers hovering over Mark’s contact. Taking a deep breath, he exhales, and presses the call button. </p><p>
  <em> “Hello?”  </em>
</p><p>“Hey, Mark,” he stands up, padding over to the window and staring out into the technicolor expanse of the night. <em> Now or never. </em>“I need to tell you something.” </p><p>•••••</p><p>
  <em> february, 2023 </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Yukhei peeks outside the curtains, watching the snow fall down. He smiles to himself, remembering the first time he fully got to experience living through winter, freshman year of college. Mark, a native of cold weather states, had teased him, though he admitted that it was endearing to see the wholesomeness of how excited he was. (Eventually, after constant snowstorms and slipping on ice on the way to class, he’d gotten pretty sick of it.) Annually, on the first snow of the year, though, he always thinks back to that moment fondly. </p><p>Mark being in that memory only serves to remind him how deeply ingrained he is into Yukhei’s life; college wouldn’t have been college without him by his side. They’ve got a long and complicated history, one that he wouldn’t change even if he could. </p><p>Still, Yukhei thinks that ever since he came clean, they were able to turn over a new page. He remembers standing by the window for hours, and they had talked about everything they were previously too afraid to discuss, starting with the night of the wedding. He’d finally let it slip that he loved him, had loved him for <em> years, </em>but the reception was when he was supposed to tell him he was moving on. Instead, he woke up next to Mark, and left because he realized that nothing good was going to come from this. </p><p><em> (“Did you? Move on, I mean?” </em>Mark had asked.</p><p>“No.” Yukhei answered honestly. “I don’t know. Maybe I did, but a small part of me was always going to be in love with you, no matter how many months we spent not talking or how many miles apart we were.”</p><p>
  <em> “Does that mean… Even now?”  </em>
</p><p>A sharp inhale. “Yeah.” </p><p>
  <em> “Oh.”  </em>
</p><p>“I’m telling you this now because I don’t want to keep it in anymore. Even if you return my feelings or you don’t, I just need to get it off my chest. Maybe this way I can move on, if I hear it from you directly.” </p><p>
  <em> “Lucas…”  </em>
</p><p>“So, yeah. That’s what I wanted to say. Tell me to move on, so we can finally put this behind us.” </p><p>
  <em> “Is it selfish if I say I don’t want you to?”  </em>
</p><p>“You… What?” </p><p>
  <em> “I don’t want you to move on.”  </em>
</p><p>“Mark…” </p><p><em>“Give me a little more time. Please?” </em> A pause. <em> “Look, I… I’m terrible with feelings. I went on an entire road trip and told Hyuck I loved him, only for him to tell me I didn’t. I don’t want to be wrong about this either. I think I do. Return your feelings, I just… I’m not sure, and I want to be sure. So please, Lucas, can you give me time?” </em></p><p>“Yeah.” Softly, choked up, as if he’s holding back tears. Then, repeated, slightly louder this time. “Yeah, I can.”)</p><p>They’re friends now, though that’s a tentative definition. Tentative, because at times it feels like they’re dancing around each other; careful not to say the wrong thing and topple that delicate balance they have. Yukhei’s feelings are out in the open, but Mark’s are still an enigma. Nonetheless, Yukhei’s patient, and he always will be when it comes to him. They have time, and time’s all they need. </p><p>(“You’re selfless,” Mark had said. </p><p>Yukhei looked over at him, careful not to disrupt the sleeping dog in his lap. “Huh? Why the sudden compliment?” </p><p>Mark shrugged, smiling lightly. “One of the things I admire the most about you. Thought you should know.”)</p><p>There’s a photo standing on the side table in the living room, a result of his sudden desire to make the apartment more homey after returning from his parents’ place last month. He picks it up and takes a tissue to gently wipe the dust off of the glass. His smiling face peers up at him, clad in a graduation cap and gown. Beside him, Mark, Hendery, and Xiaojun all wear matching expressions of elation, and he smiles at their familiar visages. <em> Feels like a lifetime ago.  </em></p><p>He sets it down, and as he reaches for the frame standing beside it, of his family, there’s a few frantic knocks at his door. </p><p>Startled, he drops the tissue, and crosses his living room to answer the door. When he swings it open, he’s met with the sight of Mark, clothes drenched in melting snow and teeth chattering, but he smiles widely when he sees Yukhei.</p><p>“Mark?” </p><p>“I can’t be just friends with you.” He’s shivering, Yukhei realizes, and he takes his arm and pulls him into the apartment. </p><p>“You’re gonna get sick,” he chastises, helping Mark remove his winter coat and rubbing his hands on his arms to generate warmth. Mark’s words go right over his head, and then he freezes as he’s hanging the jacket up in the hall closet, processing what he just heard. “Wait. What?” </p><p>Mark laughs. “Dude, I’m trying to confess to you.” </p><p>“Hey, I was genuinely worried you’re gonna get hypothermia!” Yukhei protests. </p><p>“You can always warm me up,” Mark waggles his eyebrows suggestively, and Yukhei rolls his eyes, though he can’t fight back a laugh. </p><p>Mark’s not aptly dressed for the weather - seriously, who wears a short sleeve t-shirt under a winter coat? In a snowstorm? So Yukhei tells him to move away from where his feet are currently forming a small puddle by his front door and sit on the couch, while Yukhei runs to his bedroom to grab something for him to wear. He finds an old college sweatshirt that’s big, even on him, and tosses it to Mark when he emerges. </p><p>He’s practically swimming in the hoodie, and not that he did, but if Yukhei had any doubts about being in love with Mark, they would have been fully quashed right now.</p><p>“So, you were saying?” He tries to feign being casual, leaning against the sofa, but his heart’s hammering in his chest. </p><p>Mark stands up, so they’re face to face. Yukhei’s trapped between Mark and the end of the sofa, and Mark hesitates, before taking Yukhei’s hand and interlacing their fingers together.</p><p>“I can’t be just friends with you,” he repeats. “I want to do this. For real.” </p><p>“I thought you needed time,” Yukhei manages to choke out. </p><p>“Do you remember that night where we sat in my car and ate pizza? The night I came home after the road trip?” Mark muses. His thumb rubs against Yukhei’s skin, and Yukhei glances down at their intertwined hands. </p><p>“Yeah?” It comes out as more of a question. </p><p>“I said you were my home, or something like that,” he continues. His eyes are wide, earnest, and Yukhei feels warmth in his chest just from watching him. “I meant it. I don’t think I knew it back then, but I think I get it now. That’s the answer I was looking for, after all these months since you called me and told me how you felt.” He looks a little nervous, fingers in constant motion against Yukhei’s own. Still, his lips curl into a wide smile. “I don’t need any more time to figure this out. You’re my home, Lucas. At the end of the day, it’s you I want to come home to.” </p><p>“That’s so cheesy,” Yukhei mumbles, but he can’t help but grin when Mark disconnects their hands to press his fingers against Yukhei’s cheeks. He’s leaning closer and closer, and Yukhei watches with half-lidded eyes. </p><p>“Can I kiss you?” Mark’s voice is soft. </p><p>Yukhei’s still grinning like an idiot when he says, “yes.” </p><p>They meet in the middle, kissing slow and sweet. Yukhei pulls away to murmur against Mark’s lips, “Yukhei.” </p><p>“Hmm?” Mark pulls back slightly, though their bodies are still pressed close enough for Yukhei to feel the vibrations of the noise against his chest. </p><p>“You asked me what the “Y” in my name stood for.” Yukhei remembers the moment well: it was freshman year, and Mark had carried the mail up to their room, tossing an envelope at his head. (“Lucas Y. Wong? What could the “Y” possibly stand for?”) Over the years, they developed a running joke where Mark would try to guess the meaning of the mysterious letter, with the names getting more and more preposterous as time went on.</p><p>(“Lucas Yoshi Wong.” Mark said triumphantly, slamming his textbook shut so loud that the other people in the library turned their heads to stare. “Yup,” Yukhei replied drily, not even looking up from his laptop. “That’s the one.”)</p><p>“Yukhei?” Mark tests out the syllables, looking to Yukhei with wide eyes for correction. Yukhei smiles, kisses him, and nods when he pulls away.</p><p>“It’s kinda dumb,” he begins. He suddenly feels bashful with Mark’s full attention on him, but he intertwines their hands and presses a kiss to Mark’s skin before continuing. “I have this thing where I measure my relationships in names. So, like, to the world and on paper, I’m ‘Lucas,’ right? And then there’s ‘Xuxi,’ which is my Mandarin name, and my Mandarin-speaking friends call me that.” </p><p>“And Yukhei?” </p><p>“It’s what my family calls me. And, I guess, what I call myself. I’ve never actually told anybody this name. So that’s where the kinda silly part comes in. I’ve always thought that if I find the right person, like, the <em> one, </em>I’d want them to call me Yukhei.” He finishes, staring expectantly at Mark with his heartbeat in his throat. </p><p>“Yukhei,” Mark mumbles. “Yukhei, Yukhei.” His eyebrows shoot up as realization hits. “But you- you told me.”</p><p>“I did,” Yukhei agrees. </p><p>Mark says nothing. He smiles, and pulls Yukhei in for a long, lingering kiss, arms around his shoulder as Yukhei’s hands curve around his waist. He detaches his lips from Yukhei’s to bring them to his ear, close enough he can feel the movement against his skin. “You’re my home, Yukhei.” </p><p>Yukhei beams, and he gently tilts Mark’s chin up so he can slot their lips together again. He thinks back to the first time Mark had kissed him, drunk in his bedroom, and when they kissed on New Year’s Eve. They were so desperate in those moments, kissing like they’d run out of oxygen if their lips stopped touching. </p><p>This feels different. They don’t rush things, taking in the moment second by second, minute by minute. For once, they have all the time they need. </p><p>•••••</p><p>“You’re not gonna, like, be gone when I wake up, right?”</p><p>Yukhei stops pressing a kiss to Mark’s collarbone, where a dark bruise is already starting to form, to frown at him. “Mark, this is literally my apartment.” </p><p>Mark laughs, quiet and musical. He pushes Yukhei’s face away, though his movements are languid and gentle. “You’re not gonna hit it and quit it? Fuck it and chuck it? Hump it and dump it? Uhh, ejaculate and evacuate?” </p><p>Yukhei groans. “Did you look these up, or do you just have this in your brain? Actually, I don’t want to know.” </p><p>“Ejactulate and evacuate was good,” Mark pouts. “Come on, you have to admit that.” </p><p>“God, I take back everything I said about you learning how to be smooth.” Yukhei snorts, but he tugs him in closer, feeling Mark's laughter reverberate against his chest. He presses a soft kiss against his lips, and he adds, “I’m not going anywhere.”</p><p>“Good,” Mark responds, burying his head into the crook of Yukhei’s neck, eyes fluttering shut as Yukhei runs his fingers through his dark hair. “I’m not going anywhere either.” </p><p>(True to their word, they wake up the next morning wrapped up together in the sheets. Yukhei opens his eyes first, but he doesn’t dare extricate himself from Mark’s embrace. Instead, he lays beside Mark, letting his fingers trace over the marks he’d left on soft, bare skin on the back of his neck and down his shoulders, before wrapping his arms around him and pulling him in. Warm and content, he closes his eyes and lets himself fall asleep again, lulled by Mark’s rhythmic breaths. </p><p>This - Mark, New York - this is his home. He’s never leaving again.) </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>whew that was... a long ride (a long ass ride, if you will). i really hope i did lumark justice, hopefully it wasn’t too too rushed at the end! the whole point of this was that in order to move forward, yukhei had to come to terms with the past (kind of a parallel to mark in rtms). it takes them a few years, but now they’re able to live out their best lives together in new york with a shiba inu and god if that’s not goals idk what is </p><p>also because i absolutely adore this song, here’s the part that was the biggest inspiration to the Angst:<br/>“I said I'd walk you home but we still went our own way<br/>The tears lost in rain on your cheekbones in silence<br/>And I pulled my head out the darkness in your house<br/>Can't stay 'til the morning, refracted my way out<br/>From nightmares in my car, as I lay beside you<br/>And fucked up my timeline and twisted your end with<br/>So much still to go, as the sun sets behind you<br/>I can't let it go, you can't hold me...”</p><p>also i just want to thank you again for all the love and support i’ve received in writing this (actually the longest oneshot i have ever written). and a huge huge huge thank you to kristine and lee for always letting me scream in their dms about this fic and for helping me out whenever i hit a roadblock, i appreciate y’all so fucking much &lt;3</p><p>as always, please give me your feedback, i’d love to hear what you think!</p><p>and if you want to be friends, come find me on twitter <a href="https://twitter.com/technicoIoured">@technicoIoured</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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